poor follow through

what was supposed to be a cover letter I was to finish hours ago turned into an essay about my thoughts on grammar, identification of pattern, decodifying nature what the fuck....

now i remember why i never joined the chinese student union back in college

i didn't want to move to Hong Kong. In fact, the only reason why I stayed was because I had absolutely no reason at all to go back.

I guess I can see why one (my mom) would have been worried about the state of my well-being at the time (link to: mugshot 1, mugshot 2, mugshot 3, mugshot 4, the ambulance and hospital bill for whatever the fuck happened that night I got wasted at Common Grounds, mugshot 5, and mugshot 6). Okay, the last couple of mugshots were a joke, I'm blanking on some of the other top examples -- but you get the jist: I was pretty fucking wild, in a fucked up alarming kind of way.

anyways, i knew my mom secretly wanted me to stay in HK when she booked my flight and made the return ticket completely date transferable, and maybe even refundable. except for a waitressing job at the only remaining restaurant in gville that I hadn't already gotten fired from, and maybe 2 close guy friends with a complicated love tri thing, the need for me to return to the states was a pathetic zero.

i could care less that I was born here. I mean yeah its fun to visit, because its like a big city and has really good transportation, but other than that I could care less about being Chinese. In fact, i'm pretty sure i've hated almost every chinese person i've ever met in the states. they were all so fucking stereotypical, mindless fucking retards who for no reason at all ('success' and strict parents don't count) worked really fucking hard to get really good grades. i hate how everyone is fucking stupid, there is no good music, no alternative thinking, and anything that comes close just turns out to be not really all that good or a stupid fucking fashion trend.

oh and fuck all these overseas chinese asshole pricks who come back to their native country thinking they are the shit of course they feel at home. and everyone thinks they're all impressive and shit, what with their overseas education and their flawless english (with which they use to talk to their other prick ABC friends) -- major potential. potential for what? success, duh... Dude people take this shit so seriously that they actually throw their lives away to move somewhere like canada, bagging groceries or selling take-out just so their kids to get this overseas education and live a life of success. I mean my mom did that for me. but seriously, I didn't do shit in college except for becoming a really good binge drinker, taking a lot of adderall, smoking a lot of weed, and using a shit ton of doctors notes to get by courses with absolutely no attendance.

what the fuck?

so here i am 7 months later: lost, alone, wondering what the fuck i'm doing here and getting really fucking pissed.


i guess i'm supposed to start anew and make something of myself or whatever. but GOD that is just so cliche, I feel like my life is a lie.

i should probably sleep. but i'd only get an hour and half before having to wake up to go to work. hmm. a more mature and appropriate way to reason the situation would be to ask myself a.) whether I will be accomplishing productive tasks during this hour and half, and b.) whether these tasks are worth feeling like shit tomorrow (technically, today)? Although having typed the basic logic that would be necessary for efficient health and living, I still am blind to maturity and practical reasoning which means and will therefore spend the next 2 hours sitting around bored and finally, somehow still be late to work.